Ten Tools from Ten Pillars
My socials are full of people highlighting their ‘best of’ 2022 (which is lovely to see) and last night I watched the Big Fat Quiz of the Year… as another prompt to reflect on the year (and as an aside it was awesome see Stuntman Bobby Holland Hanton on it who features in 10 Pillars in the chapter on Courage).
I guessed I should do my own reflection. My highlight was seeing The 10 Pillars of Success come out in print. A book coming out is hard to describe. It feels like a little piece of your heart is snapping off and is going into the world to live separately; detached and autonomously. On one hand that is an incredibly privileged position to be in. On the other it leaves you feeling oh so vulnerable. That book is me. It is my thoughts and my knowledge and my beliefs. And what if people hate it. What if no-one buys it? What does that say about my thoughts, knowledge and beliefs?
Rational Josie knows there are a million reasons why books do and don’t sell. Emotional Josie ties far to much self-esteem up in her writing – just like many of you will with your sport or work or other passions. We all do it. It is because it matters to us. So we just have to suck it up and carry on. But to do so we have to have enough internal insight to know our purpose, feel confident in our own processes, have courage to put ourselves out there, optimism that it is good enough to try and gratitude that we have been given the opportunity.
And there, in one sentence, are already seven of the pillars of success. They show up everywhere in life; as a lovely reminder that it was worth the feeling of vulnerability to try. So to round my newsletter off for the year here are the 10 Pillars of Success and a tool for each to help you make 2023 a year where you will have some brilliant successes to reflect upon.
To increase Belonging, work on relationship building
We can only effectively maintain around 150 social relationships, so it is more useful to have fewer friends who you nurture, rather than hundreds of barely-known acquaintances. Look through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and write a list of who matters to you and who you would like to build a deeper sense of belonging with. Perhaps see this as a project to stay in touch with those people much more.
To build more Mastery get a Bag of Beads
No one enjoys making mistakes, but, without them, we will be limited in our growth. It is only in figuring out key processes that we become more masterful, and this will involve lots of mistakes – so we need to start celebrating rather than shying away from them. The ‘bag of beads’ is a way to do this. You need to get hold of two small bags and 100 beads. Every time you make a mistake when trying to learn a new skill or improve in a current one, you remove one bead from the first bag and place it in the other. After 100 mistakes, you will have moved 100 beads and you can feel confident that you have moved significantly closer to mastery.
To take more Autonomy consider Every Possible Solution
Autonomy is a difficult pillar to master because so often it depends upon others giving it to us. Sometimes we may need to get creative. One way to give ourselves more autonomy is to step away from the black-and-white thinking. When we feel under threat or we are told how to do things, we see most options as either Option A or Option B. But there is usually a full range of options which we don’t even think to consider. Instead of seeing only these two solutions to an issue, we can take some time to consider all of them – even if some are easily dismissible. We are aiming to get at least five options for every issue we have.
To solidify your Purpose you need Purpose Clarity
Our purpose can be defined by its scope (how ubiquitous it is in our life), its strength (how much influence it brings to our decisions) and our awareness of it (how far to the front of our mind it sits). To identify our purpose, we can try visualization or free writing. Our goal is to neatly summarize our purpose in one sentence, but the process to get there does take time.
· To begin, fill a page with bullet points of the things that really matter to you; the things which get your tummy flipping with excitement, passion, frustration or anger.
· Next, look for themes. Are there elements which stick out?
· Summarize those themes.
· Condense down and filter out the elements which feel weaker.
· Finally, turn those few bullets into one sentence. Leave for a few days then come back to it. Does it feel a purpose worthy of your time and efforts?
To cultivate your Confidence hunt out Role models
Confidence can come from watching others succeeding, receiving verbal persuasion from those we respect and knowing those around you have your interests at heart. When we see those who are like us doing well, we can use them as role models:
1. Someone (who is similar to me) who I admire:
2. Something they do that I would like to replicate:
3. An approach they use that I would benefit from:
To help you stay process driven try Colourful Breathing
Colourful breathing is a great technique to calm yourself down when your amygdala has been triggered and you are having an unhelpful threat response. It is short and easy to do, but also really effective. It means that you get oxygen deeper into your lungs and it refreshes your posture. You can use it any time you feel under stress – exams, a big social event, dealing with an argument – and it is also a great technique to help you fall asleep if you are struggling with insomnia.
· Pick two colours. Here, as an example, we’ll use blue and red.
· Breathe in through your nose as you count to four. Imagine the air that is going into your nose is hot red air.
· Hold the air behind your belly button for a count of two.
· Breathe out cool blue air through your month as you count to six.
· Repeat four or five times, until you feel calmer.
To build up Courage consider Comfort zone stretching
Comfort zones come when we have built habits and routines into our lives to help us feel more psychologically secure. These give a sense of control and protection, but stop us attempting risky but worthwhile challenges. In a circle write down the things that sit within your comfort zone; the elements in your life where there is no stress or fear. Outside of the circle, start jotting down the things you would love to be brave enough to do, but have not yet found the courage to try. The scarier they feel, the further away they should sit from the circle. When you have finished, highlight just one thing outside of the circle and make it will your next challenge.
To work on developing more pragmatic Optimism we can practice Reframing
Pragmatic optimism is the belief that good things will happen. It helps you reflect on what has already happened and expands your future opportunities by helping you approach them with a presumption of success. To develop more of this, we can get into the habit of reframing moving from ‘I can’t do this’ to ‘I can’t do this yet’ or ‘I’m too slow’ to ‘I can only get faster if I train - and that is what I am doing right now.’
To grow you own Internal Insight you can use an Emotional map
We tend to become really lazy with the words that we use to describe how we are feeling. The ten words in the middle of each cluster below are the words I see clients saying most often. They are our go-to words and we often have just one coping mechanism for dealing with that feeling. If we increase our emotional literacy and start using more of the ‘outside’ words, we can design coping mechanisms that are much more specific and effective.
To have more Gratitude say Thank you for the failure
Gratitude allows us to reframe our negative thoughts in a more positive light so failures just become a dress rehearsal for the next time we try to broaden the approaches we take to life. Think about three failures you have experienced and, for each, add something you are grateful that you learned from that experience.
I hope in there you find a tool that can help you build up a Pillar of Success in 2023.
Disordered Eating Workshop
If you are an athlete, coach, teacher or sport psychologist I have a workshop on the 16th January to help you learn more about Disordered Eating in Sport and Dance. I have kept it as cheap as possible (only £10) to make it accessible. We will cover anorexia, bulimia and RED-S. We will look at the risks in different sports or dance types, the symptoms, prevention tools, ways to support peers struggling, ways to improve the culture you perform in and places for further support. By the end of the session you should be able to recognise the risks and impacts of having disordered eating, know a few ways to reduce that risk and have some places to go if you are worried about yourself, a friend or someone you coach. You can sign up at: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/479901246547